First, this blog may be disjointed...may be scatter shot....I'm writing through a migraine and the Excedrin hasn't arrived/kicked in...so the thoughts, the message is being distorted...and for that you'll just have to forgive me (the human me...that is impeding the brilliant, eloquent, awesome concept I shall be shortly be butchering.)
It's Christmas time, and one of the signs is that the mountain of projects I had planned are now all little alarm bells all screaming at the time running away like a greyhound after a rabbit. I start to doubt my sanity...and yes, a little despair creeps in, because I have a hard time realizing I might not make it and I'll have to choose who won't get a present this year. How little sleep can I last on anyway? I can tell I'm getting older, the answer is much smaller than it used to be. Time passes.
Oh, how weird it is, that I'll be homeward bound when I have a home now. Do you ever stop to wonder at that idea....that home is a fluid term, and yes, can refer to a geographical location, but really that this idea of home is more vicissitudinous. This trip, or pre-trip, is really so replete with this impression. I am happy to go and have the freedom to be home again. After the last two years where I've worked retail and been unable to go, this indeed is a treat.
Yet, there is the overall impression that it will not be home, and yet it will be. Seemingly contradictory impressions, yes, I'll grant that. Or, it could be that over the last decade the accumulative experience has taught me that to suspend expectation, to simply let it be what it will be...and I've learned this...so this pre-trip is teeming with this blank slate, this un-anticipation, this...snow covered landscape.
The blanket of snow that could conceal rocks, ravines, trees, dirt mounds, and the like...bringing a homogeneous backdrop thereby setting the stage for any features to truly stand out, become silhouetted by this glittering whiteness. Three dimensional chiaroscuro, where life is seen clearly as this dramatic and continually changing/evolving maturation.
A couple of my friends and I have discussed this idea of how there are places you have lived or been to in one's life that seem to embed themselves into the very fabric of who you are and will be, that are like little homes...and to be there is to be settled, home, if even for a moment. And like little turtles, we carry these homes with us wherever we are, wherever we go. In essence with a collage of the heart of both people and places, and it beats within us, always...or at least as long as we have life in us.
I see the Christmas decorations begin to unfold on porches, lawns, roofs, in the store displays, and on Christmas trees and cannot help but reflect on this truth that earth and our time here is a vacation...we are away from home, and have this time to explore, take pictures, meet people, make memories, take in the scenery, and yes, sometimes to be at home here...but ultimately one day we will all go home for real. And, I am not one of those people who have a resolved expectation of what that will be like.
For me, there are a few elements I know will be present, much like going home now (i.e. Salt Lake will still be surrounded by the mountains...that there will be snow...that the elevation will remind me I've been living a decade at a lower altitude...that I will be cold...that there will be people there I love...) but overall I have this same impression, the un-anticipation, this almost blank slate, this snow covered impression...although as it pertains to heaven it is more like a glittering glory that halos the landscape and my eyes haven't adjusted.
And I wonder will I look back and think, 'where did all the time go?', 'how is it almost time to go?', 'how will I finish this or that project', 'how can I get it all in my luggage?'.... ;)
The trip home will be good, and I can't wait to hug the precious people, to be hugged back...but my brain is still fractured by this dual reality...the time that presses in on me whispering 'not enough, not enough'...and this year I have the added blessing that my creative juices are boiling over as if I haven't been attending to them, and now I'm hearing the sizzle as the water has overrun the rim and is now hitting the burners of the stove...and so I'm trying to scramble to catch all these ideas before they evaporate...to not get burned in the process of these rapid fire protuberant inspirations...and there are definitely not enough cooks in the kitchen to keep the chaos from overwhelming this solitary baker. There is this definite whiz, the flurries of motion and speed that must be kept up...
...and there is a large part of me that wants to pause, to take a deep breath, to rest...to soak it in...that perhaps is soaking it in...it being a very broad catch all for...well...everything....
...and I am thankful, and I am incognizant of what is in store, or even what possibilities may exist...
...and if I had to sum it up...in a word... (I know...impossible to imagine Kelly picking just one word...being brief...)
~Hope~
But this hope I am trying to capture, to convey, is not a wish-list-kind-of-hope...it isn't a composite of vague things I want...it isn't a fairy-tale 'oh-wouldn't-that-be-nice' far fetched, only in story books impression...this hope has substance, has weight, has and is more...and usually I have this reflective prophetic theme revealed to me at/on New Year's eve, this year it seems as if God wants to have me open His gift first, and here it is. Hope. Hope--2009--hope in the here, and in the now.
And even though I want to wrap my hands around it...so-to-speak, I can't...not because this hope cannot be held...but because it is too big to hold. It's a package, a gift, and the size of it conceals the true shape, the trueness, the gift itself...but there is this assurance, there will be something beneath all the paper, the boxes, the bows...there is something there...and it will be perfect...it will be exactly what I needed/wanted/didn't know how much/wow....
Therefore, I find myself, taken aback now...stunned a little, curious--definitely...content...and yes, scrambling a bit...'thank you' sometimes doesn't feel a sufficient response...so surely there must be a phrase...a group of words...that if I could only corral them together would....somehow...bridge the gap....
Precious celebrations in each moment, in each loved one...in each gift...in each hope...
And, I'm going to borrow something from a friend whose family recently has been going through a battle....it is a family and they have an 8 yr old son who recently found a tumor on his brain...and they've been saying throughout this battle this phrase that has both captivated me in the inherent promise and eluded me for...well, for lots of reasons....but here it is...it fits with this Hope...that is under my proverbial Christmas tree this year...that hangs on the horizon like a second sun...
"Your miracle is closer than you think."
Merry Christmas!
~K
