Brain Cancer

The Pastor at the church I go to was recently diagnosed with brain cancer. Watching him go through this has been profoundly humbling, and amazing.

Today, msnbc and various other newspapers are covering the story of what has happened. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35086396/ns/health-cancer//

I am praying for him, seeking to see a miracle. But the truth is the miracle is happening in the way one man's faith, given every reason, has not faltered.

So God bless to all. Be well. Live. Realize miracles do happen, and are happening all around us. Another miracle I was reminded of today was in the precious life of a family, their treasure and daughter Boo. No fan fares, no whistles, nothing major or life threatening...just simple life. In another moment today...a friend who is preparing to be married in less than a month, the beauty of love radiating out from her. Yesterday an eagle flew over the house of another friend who struggles to understand she's loved because life has just been too hard. She lets me say it, in word and in actions. Another is healing from dental surgery, again....who is seeking to find a way to bring love into the life of a child or teen who needs a second home so early in their life. And I could go on...this is the incredible part. When you stop to truly see, and this sight, too, feels like a gift.

Praise God for all of the above.

~K

A tiny trip to Oregon...the beaches of course

So I felt this need to go look in my old poetry folder. I haven't written a poem in so long I'm pleading the 5th. However, I found something wonderful...and it's a poem I forgot I wrote. :) So here you are...from the chest of Kelly, a poem has been prised out.

(Guess I'm being very un-Emily Dickinson right now...but hey...)

Stolen Moments


An Eagle’s
sitting challenge :
What am I missing?
Flight.
Like a river’s return
these roads
laid out before me
I am destined
to seize
this moment
of spontaneous awareness.

Little bits gathered
prepare for traditions
Memories kept alive
one song
filling the space
bridging time,
to link you up again,
one song . . .
we prepare
to be spellbound
by silence
by life
by these stolen moments

The weather varies
like the altitude,
the journey
rolling out
mile by mile
revealing
blessings
rain glazed
sun touched moments
in a late winter day
with spring on the
fringes
climb
push on
a song . . .
pause for
companion
standing beside you -
yet catching up,
what once you
thought was a destination
grinning back at you:
move on !

Suddenly
you’re face to face
with a morale imperative!
It’s the ocean
slipping free
from the boundaries
of shore
sand
rocks
to leap up
reach out
caress your face
remind you of life
there’s a rhythm,
a set of three,
like candles on cake
think
Inhale
let the blessings Christen you
reach up
to brush the Wingtips
Gratitude’s Extension ~ for your Faith
whispers you were
right to Believe ,
Listen …

It’s giggles resemble :
soul freeing laughter
and only it can teach
you of Sorrow ~
where it goes
and Why . . .
Listen to the depths
the foam
Brushing foam
Cascading
over
past
around
something beneath it’s
Shadows
as the sun
gently slides
between one cloud and the sky
it’s rays Escape
desperately extending
to brush
this moment
and all who
Gather
in the stillness
Rising up
from the moments
that comprise daily life
to realize
this IS Life ~
it’s breath
the beauty that
is formed
from majesty
and cold depths
touched by
rays of life
pulsating the distances
fleeting and freedom ,
not crying -
Enclosing
weaving

Here you stand
in One’s Eternal sight
Forever
a part of this
Moment -
your existence
Validating
It’s creation!
Breathe in
be strong ,
complexity exists
for this simplicity
it Thrums
Crashes
wave upon wave
over and over
in and out
holding
all the parts
perceived separate
part of the One great whole …
with the words
you’ve learned of Silence
Sing Praise
from your soul
Exhale--
then as light leaves
both land and sky
the waves
Whisper
a gentle seduction
of shadow and light
And I
am happy to be
Seduced~


~Kelly Brooke
January 24, 2004
Beverly Beach
(rough draft)

Irreparable Fragments

Stars


I’m not much of one to put any stock in horoscopes and what the ‘stars’ are saying, but tonight as I sat beside a pond thinking about the night, my life, “etcetera, etcetera, etcetera” (King & I), I started noticing the few constellations I can always find, the few I know. Here’s what they had to say since I am not sure I can put my thoughts into words and a blog must have words to be…so without much ado, tonight here is what the stars were saying.


Orion had a few extra stars about him, as if he’d been wielding his sword in battle, and there were pieces of his opponents strewn about him.


The 7 sisters were running away, so distant blue were they.


The dragon was sinewy…and made me think of The Never Ending Story as the dragon was flying away into the night.


The dipper was upended, if there had been anything in there, there isn’t any more.


The moon was nowhere to be found.


And, last but not least, there’s a planet in the sky…not sure which one, I only know it’s not Mars. Thank God, quite literally. That one came and went and won’t be back for hundreds of years, so for my non-existent great, great, grandchildren who most likely will never read this…when Mars comes to town, run into the hills, don’t look back, and hide for a year. Yes, it really was that bad. However, tonight’s planet, nameless as it is, seems to sit there in a sky of retreating stars, distant, removed, looking down, but not in a cavalier type fashion, almost like a fallen tear, light blue and one of the multifariously simplest of statements.

So there you have it. I should have looked up before tonight’s end so as to know what to expect, but I didn’t…and I find it comforting to be beneath them tonight, listening to water and wind. I do not have the answers tonight; though reusable bags can be converted to little islands in itchy grass, and tomorrow will begin all too soon. Tomorrow though I will open the package I received in the mail today that I cannot open right now; in addition, I will be able to attend a writing workshop, so tomorrow....I expect to be good. That is all.


Good night.

:) Backgammon Challenge

Hi, Hello, and HORRAY!!!!

My Mom found a site for backgammon games where we can play each other. There's a 3 day limit between moves. So now, I can check our games....you know I had to start more than one, right? :) Anyway, now I can check in each day and have a pleasant surprise and play with my Mom.

So....for any takers out there here is my challenge: go to zooescape.com and create an account and then let's play! My user ID is PLsDaughter. :)

By the way, how cool is it that the site is zoo_escape? :) Escape the zoo of your day....good thing...but also zoos are good....and escapes are good. Three good things in one.

So let's play! :)

.......P.S. they also have sudoku and a word game (both are single player games, but it gives you something to do in another screen if you are playing multiple games and waiting for one of them to be ready for you..... :)

.........P.P.S. I'm not that good at this game, but I LOVE it.... I've already lost 3 games, and I'm about to loose 5 more unless one of the players doesn't make a move in the next 3 days and they they would forfeit. Anyway, come play, win---loose---or draw, it's fun.

Pizza talk

So...in fitting with the post of a couple days ago...something unexpected happened in the middle of something expected. And when talking to one of my brothers, he said, 'well, your writing this down, right?' uuuuummmmm no I hadn't. So to tip my hat to him, here I am writing it down.

Today was my year end review with two of my bosses. (This is the expected part.) The unexpected part was that I received a promotion, a band increase, a title change and an Exceeds-Exceeds. The Exceeds/Exceeds is an increbibly hard thing to do. I knew I'd done a good job in 2009 but...to beat out everyone at my level, or to be in the top 2% is kind of mind blowing. My boss asked me how I think I did...I said meets/meets. She simply said, 'you know I disagree.' In the briefest of pauses my brain had already switched gears to recieve criticism and a 'do better' speech. Instead she threw the exceeds/exceeds at me and the rest as well. I had a pen in hand and was trying to write it all down...in shock I wasn't hearing a fraction of it. I had to ask her to repeat my title. Living paycheck to paycheck...I heard the money clearly enough. :)

I'm a top performer, I'm getting a raise effective 2/1/2010 and I'm now an AVP Consultant II Business Continuity. This is the second promotion and raise in a the span of a year. I've been in this company for just over a year and a half. (Unexpected).

I'm feeling that grace has been poured over me. I never pictured myself working where I do, or doing what I'm doing and yet, here I am. I think a lot of life is like that...it surprises you with where you end up, how you got there, and how it shapes you. The good and the bad.

(one of my own shots from 2009...I am truly tipping my hat to you J, our talk tonight meant a lot. Love you! Hope this one is as good as the others, but I'm ok if this is not... :>)

Spunk

So, this is going to be a minor rant today. I'm online dating, and trying to stay positive. However, I'm feeling punchy today because of men who say they want spunk...and then are surprised when you are...well....spunky. There are two sides to spunk, the fun side; and, then the well let's say the spark side. It isn't that I can't be spunky fun...it's just that your behavior has illicited the sparky spunk. Fire can be fun to play with, but it can also torch things to the ground. It's a package deal. So...do you really want spunk? Carefully consider. As a woman with spunk I can most assuredly tell you...or perhaps warn you, I have it. It's your call completely as to which side comes out.

Translation: Curious Freedom

The Panther

The bars which pass and strike across his gaze

have stunned his sight: the eyes have lost their hold.

To him it seems there are a thousand bars,

a thousand bars and nothing else. No World.

And pacing out that mean, constrictged ground,

so quiet, supple, powerful, his stride

is like a ritual dance performed around

the centre where his baffled will survives.

The silent shutter of his eye sometimes

slides open to admit some thing outside;

an image runs through each expectant limb

and penetrates his heart, and dies.

Rilke

translator Stephen Cohn

Velocity

In the club car that morning I had my notebook

open on my lap and my pen uncapped,

looking every inch the writer

right down to the little writer's frown on my face,

but there was nothing to write about

except life and death

and the low warning sound of the train whistle.

I did not want to wrtite about the scenery

that was flashing past, cows spread over a pasture,

hay rolled up meticulously---

things you see once and will never see again.

But I kept my pen moving by drawing

over and over again

the face of a motorcyclist in profile---

for no reason I can think of--

a biker with sunglasses and a weak chin,

leaning forward, helmetless,

his long thin hair trailing behind him in the wind.

I also drew many lines to indicate speed,

to show the air becoming visible

as it broke over the biker's face

the way it was breaking over teh face

of teh locomotive that was pulling me

toward Omaha and whaterver lay beyond Omaha

for me and all the other stops to make

before the time would arrive to stop for good.

We must always look at things

from the point of view of eternity,

the college theologieans used to insist,

from which, I imagine, we would all

appear to have speed lines trailing behind us

as we rush along teh road of the world,

as we rush down the long tunnel of time--

the biker, of course, drunk on the wind,

but also the man reading by a fire,

speed lines coming off his shoulders and his book

and the woman standing on a beach

studying the curve of the horizon,

even the child asleep on a summer night,

speed lines flying from the posters of her bed,

from the white tips of the pillowcases,

and from the edges of her perfectly motionless body.

Billy Collins

Expectation

Expectation

Eleven days have passed in this new year. For me it is an interesting experience, I generally know more or know nothing of what the coming year's theme will hold in store. This year is slow to reveal itself. I am not sure if this is the stress of holidays, traditions ending, family deaths, or a head cold, or all of the above. I tried to be open at the close of 2009 as is my tradition, but I was too tired and open ended up being translated into relaxed and from relaxed to passed out in sleep. However, today it feels like the roots of the theme have unfurled. 2009 was 'hope'. 2010 seems to be 'expectation'.

In the intervening years I've learned to hold myself back from anticipating what the year's themes will mean or how they'll play out. (As I'm often wrong anyway.) It's interesting though...this word...as there is so much in it, this year really could go any number of ways....and I find myself in the same seat as I sit and think 'ok...so there it is...now what...that's ummm vague.' I like the gift I'm given in these little themes. Some years it is clearer, more definitive in tone or message. The last several years have been more the vague...there's a present under the tree but you've no idea what it could be, but it's there. Last year, hope, I remember being a bit stupefied by that...how can a year be about that, and yet I knew it to be the general undercurrent I was entering. So what will a year of expectation be? To me I half wonder if this is a 'patience' lesson in disguise. And I'd like to say I'm happy about that...but well...patience is a hard lesson, and if I've been there and done that...and now I'm back....I guess that tells you how effective the first 'lessons' went. But it might be something else, something unexpected. Sometimes these themes play out that way too. Like I said I try not to anticipate anymore but simply be...but I speculate none-the-less...it's how I'm wired.

Yet, I still find it rather nebulous.

I've had this suppressed restlessness inside...well as soon as I came out of the hours of sleep induced healing that is. It feels like a pressure inside that is going to burst out. I find myself entertaining big restless zany thoughts. I've been in this seat before. It isn't the small restlessness of starting a new craft project; no, this restlessness is much grander in scale. I feel sorry for my best friend who has been the recipient to my feeling of something waking up inside, ready to move, but not having the direction to do so....she's had to sit there watching as the cheetah inside paced the bars willing them open so I could run, and keep running.

I bought 7 new plants. In January. When it's 30 degrees outside, even in Texas. And more importantly, when I don't have what most would call a green thumb...the closest I've come is three years. I've bought maybe 15 books, and read 4 from a previous book frenzy and 2 that I borrowed from a friend. I've looked into buying a house. Does buying a car four months ago count? I've told my boss I'm interested in living abroad for months on end, up to and including a year...when I have no practical idea what I'd do with my stuff or anything in between nor even what country my boss is considering or even if I speak the language. I've put about 600 miles on my car in two weeks just driving....and this was seriously holding myself back from driving farther...I joined an online dating service for the first time in two years. I'm basically crawling out of my skin. I'm looking into buying a puppy. I want to go whitewater rafting...something, anything to take this edge off. I wish this edge had hit in summer when some of these ideas didn't feel so crazy. If I were a better woods-woman I'd just throw myself into nature for several hours. However, in this state...and trust me I know this from experience....what happens is I go into the woods, get lost where there's no cell coverage and no one knows where I am, or when I started, with no supplies other than the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet....and it takes a lot of prayer and lots of walking...and lots of hours, and a minor miracle to make it back. Expectation and Stir Crazy...I'm too tied up with stir crazy to really think about expectation. My friend says this is a sign that big change is coming. Bring it on! Something, anything...but maybe not dating...maybe that's too drastic....lol, oh well, I'm in it.

In the midst of this emotion I've been reading the Bible...and what should press in on my heart, but: patience, take it slow, wait, be. And internally, I blurt out, "AH HA! I knew this "expectation" is really patience in disguise!" Yet, it isn't really; if patience occurs it feels like an after thought...a by product of a much bigger piece, peace.

In the story of Abraham (Genesis 15-17) being told to pick up and go...that he in essence would be the father of a nation I found myself in awe of his faith. And, perhaps for different reasons that appear on the surface. I've been in his shoes when God said go...and the assurance that comes with such a command makes it seem not so much about faith as it is about promise. And, I don't mean to mitigate the faith it did take Abram to pick it all up and just head off to unknown locations. However, where I found myself pausing this time was when God takes Abram out on a star filled night and said....the stars would be an example of the number of descendants he would have....and Abram says, 'yeah, ok' and then two verses later as God tells him he will have a certain piece of land Abram's faith pendulum swings the other direction and he has doubts. The story continues, and time passes by and he still hasn’t fathered one child let alone nations. In the middle of that you see him puzzling it out, posing his perplexity before God while displaying amazing faith in on the other hand.

I think for me, it'd be the opposite. Asking me to believe the stars were smaller in number to what God planned to be a multitude of nations of people to be born seems so much harder to grasp than that I'd have a 'home', a piece of land—even a big piece of land. Count the stars. Count the grains of sand on a beach. These are huge, infinite tracks....yet it is Abraham’s faith that stands the sands of time. I find myself comforted by the fact that while a pillar of faith that his life is often epitomized by there are still places in his story where he struggled, and had his ‘hey, wait a second’s along with his ‘yeah, now how’s that going to work’ moments.

I’ve had a couple people indicate to me that they think this is going to be a good year for me. I certainly would not throw grace and blessings back if they show up, but I’ve been in the struggle and get by mode for so long now that it’s hard to imagine a different life. To be honest, I’ve been really struggling not to just let go of some of my dearest dreams. I am definitely in the ‘yeah, now how’s that going to work’ part of the story. The ‘yeah, sure, maybe’, like Sarah ready to almost outright laugh at the “odds” and the “likelihood”. Perhaps my stir crazy feeling is born here…if it’s time to let go of certain dreams I want to move on, not halt my life or waste the precious months—the precious life of today in waiting for something that won’t ever be. Of course there is still a deep ache, but I don’t want to be solely defined by this anymore.

Yet, ironically and conversely, there is a hue of fear coloring the skyscape. I’m ready to shed that to. So here I am, eleven days past the new year under an open sky, counting stars and paused in a ‘hey wait, can’t I just hide under this tree?’

A story woke up in my mind, and it’s been keeping me company the past three days. It isn’t the story I expected, but for now…I’m profoundly grateful…for the story, for the voice in my head, for the slack of loneliness, for wherever this takes me. I’m not able to fit it into the whole, but I’m not in a reason why frame of mind, just a simple, let it be frame. So it is. So I am.

2010 can continue to hold its breath. A journey’s been begun. The bend, the corner…that’s tomorrow’s adventure. Hope began it, expectation is the path...and the end...that is well beyond tomorrow...