Not enough time...more to follow...

It's official...he wants to keep me. :)

Without knowing it...it is a lot like my dear Grandma's first ring.   My Grandpa gave her another ring for their 25th, which is the ring I remember...but I think it's really awesome that the ring that meant the most to the two of them....is very similiar to the ring I'm wearing now.

It isn't the ring I always pictured and said I wanted, but I love the thought and heart that gave it to me....so I know it will grow on me.  It is already very dear to me. :)  I've had it for a couple hours now, most of which was spent talking to Mom and Dad...separately...of course.

My love proposed to me today, 12/18/10.  He is bad about waiting for surprises....which makes me giggle because I thought I was bad...but he tops me out.   It is 11 months to the day we met....and the ring was for Christmas....but I have it now. :)

I have a million and one things, this last month at work has been very much a grindstone.  I think I have 10 hours of sleep total for the week...and I have a ton and one projects left for Christmas...but this was worth taking a moment I don't have to document for all.

It isn't official on Facebook....a blog that's been in my head for almost all of this month...so I'm sure that one will be dropped up here----later----

I'll try and call people....but in case I miss you...hopefully you can read it here and grant me grace for being stretched so thin...

I have to run....I'm already late...but...HORRAY he wants to keep me, and it's official.

30ish random thoughts.....

So my dearest friend tagged me in facebook and copied it to her blog, for those of us who don't really check in with facebook as if it were the blood of life.    I was inspired to reply but felt a post would probably be the better medium.  So without further ado...my 30ish random thoughts about me.

Please *grin*  -- life is short....and silliness is required.



1. I make cookies. I started out making chocolate chip cookies when I had to use a chair to reach the counter, and still had to stand on tip-toe to dump in the ingredients. My Mom would challenge me to remember the ingredients...10 fingers, 10 pieces and with a little love and some baking...voila.


2. I used to say I had a black thumb with indoor plants. Now I can tell you I have 6 indoor plants that are green and growing...three of which probably need to be repotted...and my balcony is a little potted garden. This would not have been possible were it not for...Phil's Mom...and she knows who she is ;). Thanks. Green things are good, and I have another expensive hobby.


3. I once broke my finger in 3 places playing cards. And, I still won. I laughed, I cried, I called out...those are mine. ;) The doctor originally told me it was a sprain and I needed to exercise it as much as possible...a week later called me in a panic.  I received a cast up to my elbow.  And still my ring size for that finger is a whole size bigger than it was before.


4. I have lived in 3 states: Oregon, Utah, and Texas. (Apparently I'm drawn to the places that are like their own little worlds...and that are vastly different from the ones before. Although I jokingly say Utah + Oregon = Texas...at least weather wise.)


5. I once was in a car accident. I was pushed off the lane (I-215 construction...and an entitled Excursion...who didn't stop) I was going 70 at the time, I rolled the car 3.5 times..the ceiling caved in, the winshields blew out, the wheel axels were torn off, a couple tires separated off...pretty much a TOTALLED car....and the ambulance people that arrived at the scene did more damage to me than the accident did. Accident - one bruise, quarter sized. Ambulance - rammed a solid board into a hair clip (attached to my head) 6 times...with me calling out "HAIR---CLIP---HAIR CLIP, please take the hair clip off!!!" End result--goose egg. But all in all, I know God was watching out for me, a miracle.


6. I have 2 younger, taller, brothers.  I am proud of the men they've become. 


7. I never thought I'd be a writer. And, well with my current level of progress this is true. However, I have had multiple charcters walk into my head. One in particular that I'm attempting to do her justice, she walked in with the entire story, protagonist and all, and layed it down. When she explained her story, 'what happened to her', it sounded so simple...LOL...here I am 6 years later....writing a good story is a craft, an art, and a LOT of work.



8. I have dreamed of England and Scotland since....well probably since I was making cookies. perhaps someday my dreams will come true.


9. I love art...but couldn't draw stick figures.....Some of my favorites have surprised even me. Michelangelo, Scott Mutter, Tom Till, and Leonardo Nierman. I really love the Baroque period of painters.



10. I've been dating a guy for 10 months now. It's unofficially official. I'm planning a wedding, buying a house.....and since things come in threes.....hmmmmmmm can I put in a request for a puppy?


11. I love Shiba Inus...and want one....I love the Harley Davidson coloring, but the red reminds me of one of the best puppy dogs in the whole world (my sister...lol) Pippin. (She's my Mom's dog---hence the sister part). She's currently living with my brother and his wife.


12. My favorite color is a deep, royal, purple. However, I love all jewel tones.



13. I have title...well two...since one of them is from work, but the other was given to me by D--J--E--G--Nobdoy the 3rd. It's better when I can speak the title rather than tell it to you, my initials are: K--B--E--A--C--N--7


14. I love to read fiction and poetry. I highly recommend the book Red Earth by Stacy Anne Weeks as a fantastic book of poetry.


15. I have been biten by a dog while riding a bike, the day before vacation. The dog held on for about 50 feet.


16. When really tired, I cease speaking and start signing...and I don't notice this happening since to me it's all words, and signing is speaking. (ASL) Though, if I ever meet someone who knows the language I blank. lol.


17. I think it would be fun to go hanggliding. I'd want to take my camera though.


18. I have more than 300 movies on my shelf. (Ironically the movie 300 isn't one of them).


19. I would love to see one of my relatives on a game show...Millionaire or Jeopardy....they are one of the smartest people I know and it'd be fun to watch them kick mental butt. :)


20. I'm asymmetrical.


21. I love taking nature photography.


22. I abhor having my picture taken and really dislike it when people post pictures of me online without first seeing if this is a picture I'd want to share with the world. I am not photogenic. People in earlier centuries had it so much easier, if they were more frumpy than cute it was only locally known. Now, the WWW has made sure everyone in the world can see you on a bad day...with the help of "friends".  At the very least anyone posting pictures of others should learn and abide by photography's rule of thirds. It will also enhance your other pictures.



23. I have Myrmecophobia.


24. I love lilies, roses, geraniums, and carnations.


25. I can be shy, and tongue tied even around people I've known for years...and can struggle to find something to say. And yet, I can also be loquacious and it can take an hour to say goodbye.


26. I love the smell of rain.


27. I love board games, and playing them. I play backgammon online with several friends.


28. I stump most doctors. I think it runs in the family. I'm not rich enough to pay the out of pocket expenses to figure it out though so oh well. Neuroscience is a cool field, even when you're the subject.


29. I think having a powerful car beneath you, and no imposed speed limits is awesome....also in this dream is no traffic ;)


30. I treasure my friendships and hold them as one of the most prized possessions and gifts I've ever been given.


BONUS THOUGHTS



31. I've had an 8.5 foot boa wrapped around my waste voluntarily.


32. I have sat and read books with gorillas.


33. I make quilts. I give quilts away, lol, maybe one day I'll make one for me.


34. I sometimes think in song. I like to sing.


35. I have few goals. I prefer to take each day as it comes and just enjoy life. "Every man dies. Not everyman truly lives." (Braveheart)


36. I love beholding the beauty of this world and realizing it is but a mere glimpse of the beauty and grandeur of God. I love sititng before an ocean, filling the waves roll in and out, the power/depth/mystery of it all and yet how constant. I love sitting in the middle of a mountain field or under the pines...and inhaling the air around and feeling the enormity and yet the detailed minutia overwhelming the senses.


37. I disregard age. I often can't remember how old I am, let alone those around me. I see instead the heart, the passion for adventure, fun, and warmth of the person before me.


38. I can be stubborn....make no mistake...but I've learned to pick my battles. But occassionally I'll lapse if provoked and someone will get my back up...and before you know it...the stubborn response kicks in..... but most of the time though I'm quiet and laid back.



39.  I think it would be awesome to be a voice in an animated film.   Even better would be my youngest brother's voice....he has talented vocals...Robin Williams like. :) 
 
 
40.   ......you have to leave a little to the imagination......
"watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places.  Those who don't believe in magic will never find it!" Ronald Dahl

Credit for....

Today I spent a great deal of time weighing options.   There's an author, L.M. Montgomery, who captured so beautifully in one of her simple character's learnings, maturation, story arc the debate I had with myself today.   One of her characters was prone to talking a lot....and one of the other characters was trying to challenge this character to speak less, think more...and the character responded back with something the the effect of, "if you only knew how much I wanted to say and didn't, you'd give me some credit." (Anne of Green Gables, and Marilla just in case it wasn't obvious enough who I was referring to.) :)

After careful thought, and Romans 14, I have decided not to post the blog I wrote earlier which would have been titled "perception is reality" in order to take a page from the scene above.  So this is my tribute to the idea...if you only knew how much I wanted to say and didn't....Of course, there was the fact that the picture above was too pretty not to be used for a blog today.

So drink in the beauty of Tom Till's picture above and know I intended to say soooo much more tonight. ;)  

My parting thought, other than Tom Till has a brilliant eye and breath taking pictures is....that Nearly Normals in Corvallis is awesome.   If you ever find yourself in the area STOP in!!!  Seriously this is some awesomely "Veggielicious Vegetarian Cooking"!!!!!  I was hooked from the moment I bit into Athena's Delight.   Of all that I could miss of Oregon I miss this place...second only to the Ocean.   Their website isn't all that fancy or posh but the food is simply amazing and more than makes up for it.    Seriously even if you are a healthy meat loving person, this place is worth foregoing your usual perfered protein source.  Go!  Then let me know ;). :)  http://www.nearlynormals.com/

not really a blog....

Hi world, it's been forever since I've written and there's a part of myself...deep down that misses it. However, life has been super busy of late. So this won't truly be a blog but I was reading in a book...one of my other neglected hobbies of late and came across this line. The line resonated within...and I had to record it somewhere. It was beautiful and poignant ---perfect, really.

"...as I sat there, half-alone in the darkness of my closed eyes."

What a perfect description of a moment...how even in the middle of a crowd, or a party, or even just a quiet evening with a loved one...there there are moments where you are alone. And it isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is a state of being, sometimes peaceful, sometimes poignant in a way you couldn't describe yet you feel deeply. It makes sense to you and no one else...and it can be enough. Just that breathe of time, that moment of darkness where the world disappears in a blink. And, then there are times when you are profoundly grateful to raise the lids of your eyes and realize that you aren't alone.

So it depends on the moment, and on a host of circumstances that lead you to that moment, with the future stretching before you, unplanned, unfated...possibilities dance like dust motes in the air on a sunny day...but no matter what comes next you have that simple reality encompassing you. Then the truth that transcends both realities of eyes open or eyes closed. This transcendental truth is the one home I am most thankful for of all.

Deuteronomy 31:6,8
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."
"The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

Top Ten---or Eight

Reflections on Dating

So today I was writing a new friend in response to a question they asked. It actually was close to the topic I'm now blogging on but not exactly. However, you know how the brain works...it wasn't a hop skip and a jump to go from question one to this list (more like a blink.) The topic was dating and I was explaining how it is odd for me to think of dating as positive. And I didn't go into specifics in the letter but then I started thinking....and tonight the highlights seem funny, so let's list them shall we?

1. Went on two dates with a guy--and he decided he'd rather be gay.
2. Went on one date with a guy--I was the last to see him alive.
3. Went on one date with a guy--I saw my life flash before my eyes and I begged God not to let me die in the car with this guy.
4. I've had no less than 5 stalkers!!!
4.1 one of which should have been incarcerated and/or sentenced to die--firing squad or lethal injection...whichever, and no I don't say this lightly or in humor, he was/is serial killer disturbing--he mentioned cuffing me up at one point and yes giggled/laughed as if it would be a good time while inside I was thinking 'oh shit!' He also gave me a confession that still gives me nightmares.
4.2 one proposed marriage during our first conversation, it wasn't even a date, he sat down at the table and started in on the reasons why I was selected and what our first kids would be like
4.3-4.5 the other three are interesting too, but less freaky...don't get me wrong...still freaky as they are in the stalker category....just not so bad...one of these three is still in the semi-active stage, I'm hoping he'll go away soon
5. Another date--Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde (let's just say I outran him)
6. Antoher 1st date--I was propositioned to be a night light after no signs of interest---we were on opposite sides of a room...no joke...(he asked me if I was sure, I said no...and then again, after the second refusal....I was contemplating where exactly to hit him to get away when he asked a third time...he eventually let me go though, w/o violence)
7. Another 1st date--and he had a fixation on feeding me the entire Cheesecake factory menu and wouldn't let it drop that I really only wanted one meal. (For those who haven't been there the menu at this particular joint is like 65 pages long)
8. I was asked on a date, he picked me up and then his mom. Of all of the ones listed here this one was actually a sweet guy, the date was weird, but at least I wasn't lamenting my lack of self defense skills or worried about his hands.

These are just a few highlights...I've been on other dates, some blind, some not; been stood up, etc, etc, just like we all have. However, these particular ones cause of the greatest negative impressions I have of dating and while I still twinge when I say/use the word 'date'.

The tide seems to have turned though. I am now dating someone and it's a good thing. It's very bizarre and it still takes my head a moment to process. So let this be a token of hope for any out there who like me used to think of dating as either tempting fate or a very creative way to commit suicide. Don't give up. Good ones exist. I still want to call the going out with a good guy a different thing...the english language of the modern world needs another name for this process...in the olden days there were many phrases...let's just say being courted is a good thing. I think it will take years of rehab for dating to be a good thing in my head. However, dating does produce fun stories...if you live to tell them....and if enough time passes to the point they become funny.

Dreamer

Print is by Julie Fain


Precipitate Distillation


I’m a dreamer when it rains
there’s a peace and settling there
A simple reception
as water touches earth
a softening
that allows the saturation
of ideas, wishes, hopes
to seep through
and flow

Sometimes torrents rush by
stemming from
a backlog and excess
of emotions and life
built up, around, and within me
Thunder echoes the
touchdown of pen to paper.

Whereas other gales
bring in a gentle
release
soft, mellow, wellsprings
of the nuances,
and simplicities,
and profoundness
Coloring clouds, air, and ground
a hue and hint different
as words meld
light impressions,
faintly.

And with any given
tempest
or inspiration
a momentary shift can escalate
the dance of water and dreams
from a two step
to a crescendoing tango
all consuming
eclipsing absorption
both warm and chilling.

A little breeze
can cyclone
what once was up and down
into a perfect misdirection
tumultuous
where all life tilts, anew—
mimicking inked words falling
on a freshened page

Where once upon a time
meaning was found
at the end of rainbows
or in the thrill
of chasing them
through all the in betweens
fraught with both
sunshine and shadow
meaning and mystery
clarity and obscurity

the journey and the moment

little bursts of laughter
little rivets of tears
little shelter of solace
a horizon distant
and down-poured.



~Kelly B~
March 8, 2010

Raincheck

This will be a weird blog tonight because I really don't know how to start or end...I just know the middle.

Tonight I find myself trying to figure out the answer to a question. I was asked, 'can I get a raincheck on that?' And I know what they mean...I think...I can guess their intended question in that...

If the question is meant to ask, 'will you forgive me' then I know what I'll say. Yes.

However, there is part of me that wants to rail. This life is fleeting. There are moments, and if you miss them, you miss them. One of my dear friends is getting married in less than a week and I won't be there to see it. It is incredibly pointless and somewhat hurtful if I were to ask her 'can I get a raincheck on that'....that little thing of missing your wedding. Now...she and I have talked and she knows why I can't be there. So I didn't ask her for a raincheck. I knew. I knew this would be a moment in her life and I would miss it. The reason matters to her, and to me, but really it doesn't change the facts. I'll miss it. No turning back, no changing it.

The moments in our lives where people can be there or not is not the equivalent of going to the store to find they are out of what'chits and whosits and fudguzitmaflos and you can get a raincheck and come back at some later, more convenient time and pick it back up. Nothing lost.

So there is part of me that wants to hit this person who asked me the question, not because I can't or won't forgive them...but because I find their question maddening. There is no getting this moment back, it's gone. You missed it. I am not God, so I can't rewind life to give you this fragment back...this isn't like hitting pause on your tivo, or dvd, so you can go grab the phone and come back to where you left off. It's gone. So, NO...you really can't get a raincheck. I am not a store, and this moment is not a product. You missed it.

Life is moving on. The hours passed, the minutes fell away into eternity....it is gone. And either you make priorities and decisions in your life with this in mind, or you live with the consequences.

So screw it...I'm going to go and book a flight. Put my money where my mouth is. I'm going to see my friend's wedding this weekend. Life is short. The people in your life either matter or they don't. The moments in our lives where we make the choice to be there for the people we love, and we have memories....or we simply have missed moments, a void, an absense, a regret. I may be able to find a deal and go, or I'll know at least I tried, and yes, that I missed it.

No rainchecks. Just life.

Cure for vampirism

So if you ever go to the doctor and they run a blood test and it comes back seriously deficient in vitamin D they perscribe some major powerful liquid sunshine to make up for your vampirism. Apparently a lack of vitamin D can do a major job on you.

Let me clue you in...so when you have an energy drain that causes you to result to doctors...and you tend to be anxious in doctors offices and you only hear a fraction of what they say...and you think you hear 'we'll put you on these one a day for a couple weeks and then look at over the counters'...you pick up your perscription.

But, then, I also tend to hate drugs, minus excedrin migraine, and I'm almost OCD about reading the literature they staple to the bag. And, there are often times when I read the papers and think 'is the way I'm feeling now worth risking some of the side effects...' and sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes it is no and I leave the medication in the stapled bag. So I remember reading the stuff on vitamin D and I remember the phrase if you OD on it call poison control immediately and thinking ok...well I'm not swallowing the whole bottle so I'm good.

Then I take these powerful liquid sunshine pills everyday. (With food, a snipet that trickles in from the doctor's visit.) And, let me tell you...six days later and my energy comes back kablamo style and I'm feeling giggly, and I'm talking to my best friend. I'm telling her the powerful sunshine drugs are working and awesome and she asks me what the dosage is and I reply 50,000 IUs. Her jaw hits the floor...and keeps going slinky style down the stairs...and after a few sputters and what-nots (all of which are entertaining and fun to someone who is oblivious to you know the realities of drugs/health stuff...i.e. me) she has me read her the bottle.

I discover it's one pill a week, not a day. After a little googling I discover max dose of D typically is 2000 IUs a day. So a little mental math reveals that my real perscription should have been for a little over 7000IUs/day released slowly over a week (so still a case for massively deficient Ds). And, well, I've been dropping 25 times the normal max...and 7 times the perscribed amounts....hmmmm, maybe they should have put more warnings around the poison control center thing...However, neither the paper nor online materials tell you that massive quanities of D produce giggles. It does. So I'm still not worried...perhaps maybe a little concerned but giggles are fun. My friend asks why I didn't read the bottle and is trying to flutter between 'holy *** cows' and 'are you alrights' and ...well lots of reactions (again fun) and asking/telling me that you always read the bottle. To which I reply I did, but only that first night when I was zapped for all stuff, and truthfully I didn't touch the perscription for like 2 days after it was given to me....did I mention I hate drugs...and doctors...and...so how I ended up both reading and being instructed on the 'week' vs. my memory of 'day' is beyond me.

Of course all this is discovered after hours and well...I don't really want to rush myself to the ER because I'm giggly. So I'll wait until Monday to talk to the doctor and see what we do from here...

However, all that is to say, if you find yourself dreaming of a caffine IV to get you through the day seriously consider the question (do you get enough sunshine) and perhaps look into supplements. Vitamin D is awesome stuff. Energy, giggles, sunny nature...all good. But don't OD on it, there are apparently some warnings that don't factor in giggles.

So here is my humorous tribute to the fact, I probably shouldn't be left alone...and definitely not put in charge of meds when I can't see straight for vampiric energy depletions. I find all this even more humorous simply because usually I tend to sunburn myself on a good sunny day even with sunblock applied, and it appears I've just sunburned my insides...ah well...at least I don't hurt to touch, and I'm not setting my own climate zone...just giggling.

So happy day. I recommend vitamin D for the cubicle-o-holics, and any rainy place the sun doesn't shine. I recommend D. Stick to less than 2000 IUs. But get it in your system. Save yourself some dough from all the trips for caffine....then you can buy yourself a present! Tah Dah!

More Poetry from 2005

So...I found this notebook I completely forgot about....and apparently October of 2005 was a very poetical month. ;) Thus, here is another poem from way back...and it's still rough, but the basic concept and story I was sketching out is there. I hope you enjoy.

Michelangelo’s Marble

My existence
has been a
fixed state
of permanent Is.
Eons of time have passed,
and yet a –moment —only.
Without I am cool & firm
an appealing exterior
I have weight & body

Yet one day, a passerby’s
hand selects me
from the lot of
“drab slabs”, words I over hear from one,
While another excitedly whispers
about my beauty, my worth
Into His hands
I am carried, lifted from
my dreary surroundings
of other stones and muck.
I am cleaned and placed
upon a pedestal.
Oh! My life will be of ease
and appreciation, surely.
Now all will see…
KAAAAhhhhhRRRRAAACCCCCKKK
Without quite knowing from
where, or how, or why
I suddenly feel this
Fissure
and the painful split
a Gouge
and OH! the Throb from---
WHACK
I shore up, I resist, yet
Pieces crumble, fall,
cascading away
I’m caught between
pain and outrage.

Who are these rough hewn hands
that assault
Who presume the right
to destroy
Who whittle away
my opposition, my composition

CHISEL SCRAPE
the hammer moves
and I feel
the WALLOW
the BLOW
the BANG & BUMP
bashed and broken
pieces of my once stone state
coat the ground, hang suspended in the very air
unsure where to settle—departed, cut off
now only a fine perspiring sheen,
my dust, gloves the hands
hides the hammer.
Cool breeze wafts through the air,
slicing through a new cleft,
and for a moment there is my voice,
my mourning cry.
FRACTURE
from a distance
I hear this rumble
of whispered words
mutterings of form
of the genius of my faint silhouette forming,
Then the voice of the Sculptor
firmly stating He hears me, indeed,
heard me crying to be freed.
Sand and dust swirl together—time blurs.

Secluded with the Sculptor,
now, I cleave to His vision,
as my narcissism--banked, silent,
leaving behind a deep response within
still struggling to form
NOTCH
hunks, and layers litter the floor,
and are swept away…
leaving me only knowing
I’m not all undone.
Compliantly I present all I am,
all that remains,
to these Scarred hands
holding both me and the moment
tools of transformation—
INCISE
a death exists
a gap larger
than any crevice
looming between
my abilities &
His raw power
I try and compensate
do my share
SNAP
A flaw appears,
a score
and I shudder within
impatient & without Perfection
The Master carries on
ETCH
A fervor
of motion and movement
surround us
I’m no longer comfortable
with a life of leisure
and an egocentric world
I reminisce in silence of grain & texture

in an unfolding transformation
of inscribed chiseling.

RASP
A cloth drops in a puddle at my pedestal

Quietude descends, as a hush
reverberates across my waxen patina
an awe pervades
I clamor to reveal
The Man—
who saw within, full fragments, a solid mass…
who wrestled a reluctant me, separate and entombed…
fragmented slivering refinement…
to present me, now, a new creation
taking complexity, history, a story, and a light
melding together
what no one else could see…
now Displayed.

~Kelly B
10/13/2005

Brain Cancer

The Pastor at the church I go to was recently diagnosed with brain cancer. Watching him go through this has been profoundly humbling, and amazing.

Today, msnbc and various other newspapers are covering the story of what has happened. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35086396/ns/health-cancer//

I am praying for him, seeking to see a miracle. But the truth is the miracle is happening in the way one man's faith, given every reason, has not faltered.

So God bless to all. Be well. Live. Realize miracles do happen, and are happening all around us. Another miracle I was reminded of today was in the precious life of a family, their treasure and daughter Boo. No fan fares, no whistles, nothing major or life threatening...just simple life. In another moment today...a friend who is preparing to be married in less than a month, the beauty of love radiating out from her. Yesterday an eagle flew over the house of another friend who struggles to understand she's loved because life has just been too hard. She lets me say it, in word and in actions. Another is healing from dental surgery, again....who is seeking to find a way to bring love into the life of a child or teen who needs a second home so early in their life. And I could go on...this is the incredible part. When you stop to truly see, and this sight, too, feels like a gift.

Praise God for all of the above.

~K

A tiny trip to Oregon...the beaches of course

So I felt this need to go look in my old poetry folder. I haven't written a poem in so long I'm pleading the 5th. However, I found something wonderful...and it's a poem I forgot I wrote. :) So here you are...from the chest of Kelly, a poem has been prised out.

(Guess I'm being very un-Emily Dickinson right now...but hey...)

Stolen Moments


An Eagle’s
sitting challenge :
What am I missing?
Flight.
Like a river’s return
these roads
laid out before me
I am destined
to seize
this moment
of spontaneous awareness.

Little bits gathered
prepare for traditions
Memories kept alive
one song
filling the space
bridging time,
to link you up again,
one song . . .
we prepare
to be spellbound
by silence
by life
by these stolen moments

The weather varies
like the altitude,
the journey
rolling out
mile by mile
revealing
blessings
rain glazed
sun touched moments
in a late winter day
with spring on the
fringes
climb
push on
a song . . .
pause for
companion
standing beside you -
yet catching up,
what once you
thought was a destination
grinning back at you:
move on !

Suddenly
you’re face to face
with a morale imperative!
It’s the ocean
slipping free
from the boundaries
of shore
sand
rocks
to leap up
reach out
caress your face
remind you of life
there’s a rhythm,
a set of three,
like candles on cake
think
Inhale
let the blessings Christen you
reach up
to brush the Wingtips
Gratitude’s Extension ~ for your Faith
whispers you were
right to Believe ,
Listen …

It’s giggles resemble :
soul freeing laughter
and only it can teach
you of Sorrow ~
where it goes
and Why . . .
Listen to the depths
the foam
Brushing foam
Cascading
over
past
around
something beneath it’s
Shadows
as the sun
gently slides
between one cloud and the sky
it’s rays Escape
desperately extending
to brush
this moment
and all who
Gather
in the stillness
Rising up
from the moments
that comprise daily life
to realize
this IS Life ~
it’s breath
the beauty that
is formed
from majesty
and cold depths
touched by
rays of life
pulsating the distances
fleeting and freedom ,
not crying -
Enclosing
weaving

Here you stand
in One’s Eternal sight
Forever
a part of this
Moment -
your existence
Validating
It’s creation!
Breathe in
be strong ,
complexity exists
for this simplicity
it Thrums
Crashes
wave upon wave
over and over
in and out
holding
all the parts
perceived separate
part of the One great whole …
with the words
you’ve learned of Silence
Sing Praise
from your soul
Exhale--
then as light leaves
both land and sky
the waves
Whisper
a gentle seduction
of shadow and light
And I
am happy to be
Seduced~


~Kelly Brooke
January 24, 2004
Beverly Beach
(rough draft)

Irreparable Fragments

Stars


I’m not much of one to put any stock in horoscopes and what the ‘stars’ are saying, but tonight as I sat beside a pond thinking about the night, my life, “etcetera, etcetera, etcetera” (King & I), I started noticing the few constellations I can always find, the few I know. Here’s what they had to say since I am not sure I can put my thoughts into words and a blog must have words to be…so without much ado, tonight here is what the stars were saying.


Orion had a few extra stars about him, as if he’d been wielding his sword in battle, and there were pieces of his opponents strewn about him.


The 7 sisters were running away, so distant blue were they.


The dragon was sinewy…and made me think of The Never Ending Story as the dragon was flying away into the night.


The dipper was upended, if there had been anything in there, there isn’t any more.


The moon was nowhere to be found.


And, last but not least, there’s a planet in the sky…not sure which one, I only know it’s not Mars. Thank God, quite literally. That one came and went and won’t be back for hundreds of years, so for my non-existent great, great, grandchildren who most likely will never read this…when Mars comes to town, run into the hills, don’t look back, and hide for a year. Yes, it really was that bad. However, tonight’s planet, nameless as it is, seems to sit there in a sky of retreating stars, distant, removed, looking down, but not in a cavalier type fashion, almost like a fallen tear, light blue and one of the multifariously simplest of statements.

So there you have it. I should have looked up before tonight’s end so as to know what to expect, but I didn’t…and I find it comforting to be beneath them tonight, listening to water and wind. I do not have the answers tonight; though reusable bags can be converted to little islands in itchy grass, and tomorrow will begin all too soon. Tomorrow though I will open the package I received in the mail today that I cannot open right now; in addition, I will be able to attend a writing workshop, so tomorrow....I expect to be good. That is all.


Good night.

:) Backgammon Challenge

Hi, Hello, and HORRAY!!!!

My Mom found a site for backgammon games where we can play each other. There's a 3 day limit between moves. So now, I can check our games....you know I had to start more than one, right? :) Anyway, now I can check in each day and have a pleasant surprise and play with my Mom.

So....for any takers out there here is my challenge: go to zooescape.com and create an account and then let's play! My user ID is PLsDaughter. :)

By the way, how cool is it that the site is zoo_escape? :) Escape the zoo of your day....good thing...but also zoos are good....and escapes are good. Three good things in one.

So let's play! :)

.......P.S. they also have sudoku and a word game (both are single player games, but it gives you something to do in another screen if you are playing multiple games and waiting for one of them to be ready for you..... :)

.........P.P.S. I'm not that good at this game, but I LOVE it.... I've already lost 3 games, and I'm about to loose 5 more unless one of the players doesn't make a move in the next 3 days and they they would forfeit. Anyway, come play, win---loose---or draw, it's fun.

Pizza talk

So...in fitting with the post of a couple days ago...something unexpected happened in the middle of something expected. And when talking to one of my brothers, he said, 'well, your writing this down, right?' uuuuummmmm no I hadn't. So to tip my hat to him, here I am writing it down.

Today was my year end review with two of my bosses. (This is the expected part.) The unexpected part was that I received a promotion, a band increase, a title change and an Exceeds-Exceeds. The Exceeds/Exceeds is an increbibly hard thing to do. I knew I'd done a good job in 2009 but...to beat out everyone at my level, or to be in the top 2% is kind of mind blowing. My boss asked me how I think I did...I said meets/meets. She simply said, 'you know I disagree.' In the briefest of pauses my brain had already switched gears to recieve criticism and a 'do better' speech. Instead she threw the exceeds/exceeds at me and the rest as well. I had a pen in hand and was trying to write it all down...in shock I wasn't hearing a fraction of it. I had to ask her to repeat my title. Living paycheck to paycheck...I heard the money clearly enough. :)

I'm a top performer, I'm getting a raise effective 2/1/2010 and I'm now an AVP Consultant II Business Continuity. This is the second promotion and raise in a the span of a year. I've been in this company for just over a year and a half. (Unexpected).

I'm feeling that grace has been poured over me. I never pictured myself working where I do, or doing what I'm doing and yet, here I am. I think a lot of life is like that...it surprises you with where you end up, how you got there, and how it shapes you. The good and the bad.

(one of my own shots from 2009...I am truly tipping my hat to you J, our talk tonight meant a lot. Love you! Hope this one is as good as the others, but I'm ok if this is not... :>)

Spunk

So, this is going to be a minor rant today. I'm online dating, and trying to stay positive. However, I'm feeling punchy today because of men who say they want spunk...and then are surprised when you are...well....spunky. There are two sides to spunk, the fun side; and, then the well let's say the spark side. It isn't that I can't be spunky fun...it's just that your behavior has illicited the sparky spunk. Fire can be fun to play with, but it can also torch things to the ground. It's a package deal. So...do you really want spunk? Carefully consider. As a woman with spunk I can most assuredly tell you...or perhaps warn you, I have it. It's your call completely as to which side comes out.

Translation: Curious Freedom

The Panther

The bars which pass and strike across his gaze

have stunned his sight: the eyes have lost their hold.

To him it seems there are a thousand bars,

a thousand bars and nothing else. No World.

And pacing out that mean, constrictged ground,

so quiet, supple, powerful, his stride

is like a ritual dance performed around

the centre where his baffled will survives.

The silent shutter of his eye sometimes

slides open to admit some thing outside;

an image runs through each expectant limb

and penetrates his heart, and dies.

Rilke

translator Stephen Cohn

Velocity

In the club car that morning I had my notebook

open on my lap and my pen uncapped,

looking every inch the writer

right down to the little writer's frown on my face,

but there was nothing to write about

except life and death

and the low warning sound of the train whistle.

I did not want to wrtite about the scenery

that was flashing past, cows spread over a pasture,

hay rolled up meticulously---

things you see once and will never see again.

But I kept my pen moving by drawing

over and over again

the face of a motorcyclist in profile---

for no reason I can think of--

a biker with sunglasses and a weak chin,

leaning forward, helmetless,

his long thin hair trailing behind him in the wind.

I also drew many lines to indicate speed,

to show the air becoming visible

as it broke over the biker's face

the way it was breaking over teh face

of teh locomotive that was pulling me

toward Omaha and whaterver lay beyond Omaha

for me and all the other stops to make

before the time would arrive to stop for good.

We must always look at things

from the point of view of eternity,

the college theologieans used to insist,

from which, I imagine, we would all

appear to have speed lines trailing behind us

as we rush along teh road of the world,

as we rush down the long tunnel of time--

the biker, of course, drunk on the wind,

but also the man reading by a fire,

speed lines coming off his shoulders and his book

and the woman standing on a beach

studying the curve of the horizon,

even the child asleep on a summer night,

speed lines flying from the posters of her bed,

from the white tips of the pillowcases,

and from the edges of her perfectly motionless body.

Billy Collins

Expectation

Expectation

Eleven days have passed in this new year. For me it is an interesting experience, I generally know more or know nothing of what the coming year's theme will hold in store. This year is slow to reveal itself. I am not sure if this is the stress of holidays, traditions ending, family deaths, or a head cold, or all of the above. I tried to be open at the close of 2009 as is my tradition, but I was too tired and open ended up being translated into relaxed and from relaxed to passed out in sleep. However, today it feels like the roots of the theme have unfurled. 2009 was 'hope'. 2010 seems to be 'expectation'.

In the intervening years I've learned to hold myself back from anticipating what the year's themes will mean or how they'll play out. (As I'm often wrong anyway.) It's interesting though...this word...as there is so much in it, this year really could go any number of ways....and I find myself in the same seat as I sit and think 'ok...so there it is...now what...that's ummm vague.' I like the gift I'm given in these little themes. Some years it is clearer, more definitive in tone or message. The last several years have been more the vague...there's a present under the tree but you've no idea what it could be, but it's there. Last year, hope, I remember being a bit stupefied by that...how can a year be about that, and yet I knew it to be the general undercurrent I was entering. So what will a year of expectation be? To me I half wonder if this is a 'patience' lesson in disguise. And I'd like to say I'm happy about that...but well...patience is a hard lesson, and if I've been there and done that...and now I'm back....I guess that tells you how effective the first 'lessons' went. But it might be something else, something unexpected. Sometimes these themes play out that way too. Like I said I try not to anticipate anymore but simply be...but I speculate none-the-less...it's how I'm wired.

Yet, I still find it rather nebulous.

I've had this suppressed restlessness inside...well as soon as I came out of the hours of sleep induced healing that is. It feels like a pressure inside that is going to burst out. I find myself entertaining big restless zany thoughts. I've been in this seat before. It isn't the small restlessness of starting a new craft project; no, this restlessness is much grander in scale. I feel sorry for my best friend who has been the recipient to my feeling of something waking up inside, ready to move, but not having the direction to do so....she's had to sit there watching as the cheetah inside paced the bars willing them open so I could run, and keep running.

I bought 7 new plants. In January. When it's 30 degrees outside, even in Texas. And more importantly, when I don't have what most would call a green thumb...the closest I've come is three years. I've bought maybe 15 books, and read 4 from a previous book frenzy and 2 that I borrowed from a friend. I've looked into buying a house. Does buying a car four months ago count? I've told my boss I'm interested in living abroad for months on end, up to and including a year...when I have no practical idea what I'd do with my stuff or anything in between nor even what country my boss is considering or even if I speak the language. I've put about 600 miles on my car in two weeks just driving....and this was seriously holding myself back from driving farther...I joined an online dating service for the first time in two years. I'm basically crawling out of my skin. I'm looking into buying a puppy. I want to go whitewater rafting...something, anything to take this edge off. I wish this edge had hit in summer when some of these ideas didn't feel so crazy. If I were a better woods-woman I'd just throw myself into nature for several hours. However, in this state...and trust me I know this from experience....what happens is I go into the woods, get lost where there's no cell coverage and no one knows where I am, or when I started, with no supplies other than the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet....and it takes a lot of prayer and lots of walking...and lots of hours, and a minor miracle to make it back. Expectation and Stir Crazy...I'm too tied up with stir crazy to really think about expectation. My friend says this is a sign that big change is coming. Bring it on! Something, anything...but maybe not dating...maybe that's too drastic....lol, oh well, I'm in it.

In the midst of this emotion I've been reading the Bible...and what should press in on my heart, but: patience, take it slow, wait, be. And internally, I blurt out, "AH HA! I knew this "expectation" is really patience in disguise!" Yet, it isn't really; if patience occurs it feels like an after thought...a by product of a much bigger piece, peace.

In the story of Abraham (Genesis 15-17) being told to pick up and go...that he in essence would be the father of a nation I found myself in awe of his faith. And, perhaps for different reasons that appear on the surface. I've been in his shoes when God said go...and the assurance that comes with such a command makes it seem not so much about faith as it is about promise. And, I don't mean to mitigate the faith it did take Abram to pick it all up and just head off to unknown locations. However, where I found myself pausing this time was when God takes Abram out on a star filled night and said....the stars would be an example of the number of descendants he would have....and Abram says, 'yeah, ok' and then two verses later as God tells him he will have a certain piece of land Abram's faith pendulum swings the other direction and he has doubts. The story continues, and time passes by and he still hasn’t fathered one child let alone nations. In the middle of that you see him puzzling it out, posing his perplexity before God while displaying amazing faith in on the other hand.

I think for me, it'd be the opposite. Asking me to believe the stars were smaller in number to what God planned to be a multitude of nations of people to be born seems so much harder to grasp than that I'd have a 'home', a piece of land—even a big piece of land. Count the stars. Count the grains of sand on a beach. These are huge, infinite tracks....yet it is Abraham’s faith that stands the sands of time. I find myself comforted by the fact that while a pillar of faith that his life is often epitomized by there are still places in his story where he struggled, and had his ‘hey, wait a second’s along with his ‘yeah, now how’s that going to work’ moments.

I’ve had a couple people indicate to me that they think this is going to be a good year for me. I certainly would not throw grace and blessings back if they show up, but I’ve been in the struggle and get by mode for so long now that it’s hard to imagine a different life. To be honest, I’ve been really struggling not to just let go of some of my dearest dreams. I am definitely in the ‘yeah, now how’s that going to work’ part of the story. The ‘yeah, sure, maybe’, like Sarah ready to almost outright laugh at the “odds” and the “likelihood”. Perhaps my stir crazy feeling is born here…if it’s time to let go of certain dreams I want to move on, not halt my life or waste the precious months—the precious life of today in waiting for something that won’t ever be. Of course there is still a deep ache, but I don’t want to be solely defined by this anymore.

Yet, ironically and conversely, there is a hue of fear coloring the skyscape. I’m ready to shed that to. So here I am, eleven days past the new year under an open sky, counting stars and paused in a ‘hey wait, can’t I just hide under this tree?’

A story woke up in my mind, and it’s been keeping me company the past three days. It isn’t the story I expected, but for now…I’m profoundly grateful…for the story, for the voice in my head, for the slack of loneliness, for wherever this takes me. I’m not able to fit it into the whole, but I’m not in a reason why frame of mind, just a simple, let it be frame. So it is. So I am.

2010 can continue to hold its breath. A journey’s been begun. The bend, the corner…that’s tomorrow’s adventure. Hope began it, expectation is the path...and the end...that is well beyond tomorrow...