Shake it up--curious music box reflections

So every once and awhile it hits me that I should probably be cleaning up and storing the remnants of my life that are distinctly from childhood, or from my teen years. I’ve cleaned a lot of it, boxed some of it, but there’s still a shelf or two in my room that sometimes stares me in the face, mockingly at times for the simple sentimentality within that refuses to box up all of these little knick knacks, glaring at me that I truly am not the adult I pretend to be.

As a child I would have said I collected fragiles. As an adult I guess I would say I collect memories. I have several music boxes…or windup music apparatuses…some are in globes, one is a box, one is a piano, and one is in a doll. Tonight I took one down from the shelf, wound it up and let my thoughts unwind to the tune.

Truthfully I don’t like the globes so much, the water always seems to disappear over time and the thing in the center of the globe comes up, detaches…and the mystery of the music is hidden...but I cannot throw these away, the music and the memories attached mean more to me than my small annoyance at the globe itself and the unavoidable deterioration. I remember….my second music—let’s call them boxes, it’s easier. So, I remember my second music box very well. It’s a little silver piano, and there was once a lid, like a piano lid, which I’m sure I did box up since I used this box so many times the hinge that kept the piano lid attached has long since broke. Anyway, this piano was a favorite of mine because you could see the device that created this haunting song and I was fascinated by the mechanical simplicity of a few bars passing over bumps on a roller that produced a beautiful song. I would listen to this box for hours, and watch the rise and fall of the little arms under the piano's lid. The music, and the little piano are still a comfort to me, and the funny thing, I couldn’t tell you the name of the song. Since then I’ve received a few more music boxes…and one of these is from my Auntie AJ and is one of my favorite classical songs, Fur Elise. This is the one I took down tonight, wound up and unwound my thoughts from the busy day.

I bring this up because this globe, for it is a globe, has a floral bouquet in it with these glittery flecks. As I sat there, thinking nothing, just listening to the music, remembering the box, my Auntie, and how treasured I felt that my Auntie would purchase this box with one of my favorite songs I found my eyes captivated by the way the light from my lamp, and then candlelight, bounced off and played with the glittery flecks within. The light and the glittery flecks have this iridescent rainbow like interaction. It was beautiful. The flecks within danced and twinkled like fireflies or fairies, the music acting as gentle laughter, from this thoughts surfaced.

Before there was the promise from God to man in the form of rainbows were colors the same? Did the spray of waves in the sunlight have that all too brief moment where all colors existed in the blink of an eye? What did sunsets look like? How about diamonds, did they reflect/refract light like they do today? When God first showed Noah the sign of promise, His bow in the sky, did Noah understand how much the world had changed; did he see beauty or just the end of the rain? At one point did Noah or one of his grandchildren realize how different the world had become just in this simple, quiet array of light and colors? Did they marvel at it as the array of colors winked at them from water droplets, from waves, from the sky, from candlelight through glass, and all the many places these little bursts of color twinkle from? When you read it in the story, it’s just a sign, a reflection of a promise that never again will this world be flooded to the destruction of all life. Yet, there’s so much more in them, to them…beneath the surface, suspended between, hovering, displayed…

And one day, there will be more, more miracles, more changes, and an eternity for us to marvel, to dawning-ly understand the nuances behind the intricate simplicities of heaven, of God, of new life, of a love that surpasses all we know or ever will, of little exquisitenesses like music or twinkling rainbows and it will no longer matter if the awe comes from a child, an adult, or an angel. We will not have to consider packing it up, sucking it up, and trudging on. It won’t be just another day, one more day survived, or muddled through…it will be more…and laughter may be the music, and our memories the weave and shadow between the beautiful light of simple graces, tiny treasures...shake them up, sit back, unwind, relax, laugh, remember, marvel, wonder…

A promise
A hidden depth
A joy
--given to us
--see, remember, rest easy
--to treasure, prismatic paradigm shifts
new

...settle in

Point of No Return

Today I've been feeling sluggish, tired, under the weather and out of it. I limped through a little work but took a sick day instead. It's 7 o'clock and I feel like it's 4 am. But I was slowly reading a book awhile ago, and I do mean slowly.

And on page 407 it hit me, the point of no return. I wish there'd been a sign, as tired as I am I probably would have stopped. But, no, I went along reading on page 406, started to hit the end of the page...and I really should have seen it coming...I mean with the number of books I've read in my life...I really should have clued in.

Instead of careening right on through and flying off the cliff, but I passed it, the point of no return. I must have the end of the story now. 134 more pages, the last book in the trilogy...and my dear friends...I'm not sure I'm going to make it this time. It is a sad, sad thing, but like gravity a little inevitable that I will try...or rather, that I will continue falling through as many pages as I can so hopefully I can R.I.P.

Mini-thoughts

Psalm 16:11

You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

This verse gives me comfort. In the age of GPS, there are still horiscopes, and people searching, looking for a way...Here is the promise, The Lord of Life will help me know how to travel, to traverse the path of life. Where there are questions and crossroads, I will be told how to go...it is up to me to listen. For me, sometimes I need to hear His sarcasm, some days a gentle reverberation, and He always knows which. He is unflustered by my over-emotional rawness, or my weariness, or my anger, or hurt, or frustration, my confusion...my supreme ability to get lost. He has the answer, He knows the way.

The second line, hints at the very truth that He knows without having to be asked what we need, what we are searching for...there He is, ready with an answer. Sometimes I can't even understand the question. Yet, I can rely on Him, trust Him in both the question and the answer.

Lastly, the end...a promise of permanence, a promise of joys completed, of rest, and union. I'm not ready for Monday, I don't want the weekend to end. One day there will be no more ends to choke us up, no dread, no poignant crescendos.

Quieting Moisture

At work they have been stressing appreciation, how a little recognition and thanks can go a long way. They encourage us to send thank you cards to fellow associates that have helped us with a project, or even with just a tiny piece.

The past two days have found me profoundly thankful to God for some of the simple things. A few of these things I could explain and have them understood, while others I can't even explain to myself all that well without rambling.

But it has rained the past two days. Good rain. And I've needed it, and didn't realize how much I needed the soothing storms until the moisture broke free from the clouds and came to quiet my heart. And it isn't a "shhhhhhh be quiet", rather it is a quiet presence that fills my heart and mind as moisture gently brushes me, reminding me of depth beyond words, submerged beneath surfaces.

So, though it feels incredibly inadequate to use words to express my appreciation for something that has given so much more than words can convey, I wish to express my thanks.

Thank you God for knowing me enough to know I would need this before I did...knowing enough to care...and for loving me especially in the little things that make me smile...a rainstorm, good license plates, a successful surgery, massive injury averted/avoided, arriving home safely, the voice of a loved one, laughter, cards, today, your voice, this moment....and I could go on like an Oregon rain, but thank you.

Love

N7

Prismatic

Tribute

My Mom has to be one of the strongest peole I have ever met. No matter what life throws at her she doesn't complain, she does the impossible again and again, she's steady and constant, unflappable, she knows her limits but continues stretching herself, she's independent, and she has a depth that stuns me...she is amazing, but sees herself as ordinary. She's the first to acknowledge her mistakes, she's the first to pick herself back up and try again, she's the first to share laughter/humorous insights.

As I gain more life experience, I stand more and more amazed. As a child she was just my Mom, all that she did, all her excellence was lost on me because I loved her for just being my Mom...I didn't understand the fortitude, courage, aptitude, confidence, ingenuity, resiliency, intelligence, heart and hope, and sheer determination she daily displayed.

Old fables and fairytales captivated my attention, 'once upon a time...'...now, if I can attain even a fraction of the strength and grace she has I will be able to attribute it to a more simple and profound truth; once upon a time I was raised by an incredible woman, who never advertised or sought acclaim, one whose life bore the daily evidence, who loved me, and whose love for me forever shaped me.

I still love her for who she is. She is my Mother. She's my friend. She's my inspiration. She is incredibly amazing. She is so much more than the sum of the pieces, words fail, but she remains.

Te Amo, Always~

Aerial Art & Mental Conundrums

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xB4UB3CjfU -

video of Rebekah Leah, an aerial artist

danced to a song by Shawn McDonald--"Beautiful"

Lately I’ve been thinking about hope and what it is. I’ve been trying to understand if it is meant to be this bedrock, this ever fixed mark, firm. Or if it something else entirely. Though it is more likely a blend, a weave, a multitude of ideas and truths, because in my study of the Bible, rarely is a concept like hope simply one thing. If there were a conceptual biblical dictionary, hope would have more than one entry, all of them true. This has been an unfolding message in my heart and mind, especially for this 2009 year. And, true to my naïveté, it has been a series of lessons far beyond my ability to have foreseen.

Previously, for me hope has been sort-of synonymous with wishing, or dreaming...as likely to happen as not, easily dashed. Example: I wish/hope for x, y, & z presents for Christmas. I make a list and share with Mom. Christmas morning, under the tree sits boxes and boxes of possibilities, each with a chance to fulfill hopes. Some years x, y, & z were there; other years only x & z, others only y, then there were the years where with all the boxes opened q, b, & l appeared. So some hopes came true, others not, sometimes none of them, and sometimes the none at all turned out to be the best gifts of all. (And, keep in mind this is just an analogy, not a verbatim. Truthfully Christmases are some of my most treasured memories.)

As I got older this idea of hope has seemed more and more flimsy or fragile. Life threw a series of hardships my way and I struggled to insert ‘hope’ into it. By this time, I’d already learned that hope was so much more than positive thinking, or dreaming, or wish-listing. However, it still seemed such a mystery, hard to grasp, hard to decrypt.

Recently (being sometime within the last month), I was listening to a series of sermons on CD, messages from the church that I attend. In one message, one point struck and stuck. And it was this, that sometimes Christians treat grace as if it is a lump sum bequeathed on you (like an allowance), after which you have the ability to spend it; yet, the pastor contended that perhaps it is not, perhaps the reality is that when God promises that His grace will be sufficient it is more immediate, grace for the moment, for the day. The pastor used the story of the bread and manna that appeared to the Israelites during their 40 year trek through the desert. Bread and birds/meat would appear every morning, and each person was only to take what they needed for that day…no back packs or refrigerators, or storage closets to cram full and then dispense out, nope, just what was needed for the day. He then went on to discuss how most of us feel more comfortable with the full closet concept…a huge reserve in the bank that we can budget out as we see fit, that there seems to be a nervousness that creeps in when you only have enough for the day, the hour, the moment. The pastor also spoke to the story in the bible about the famine that was so intense a woman was preparing her last meal with her son, because there was no other food to be had in the entire country…all she had was a little jar, with just a little oil, and a little flour…and a prophet came to stay with her, asking to share her meal. (Do you know this one, where each day this group of 3 use up all the contents of the jar, and the next day they awake to find the jars have been filled—not to capacity, just enough for the day, and it goes on like this for years.) Why then, is it that, he wondered, when the giver of the grace is God are we nervous, anxious, doubtful when we are given only a little (a daily ration) rather than a meat-locker full? Do we fear He’ll run out? Do we fear He’ll forget us? Do we fear He’ll change His mind and leave us high and dry? And doesn’t God deserve the benefit of the doubt?

A leap occurred in my head, from grace to hope. (Not immediate mind you…it’s been several weeks now…possibly even as far back as months). Anyway, last night I felt this hope instilled within me, and it took me by surprise, I wasn’t aware of the process until the end result...very much like the process of instilling (drop by drop), drop by drop might not seem like a lot, contextually though, the end result, has a different effect. The hope was wonderful, a blessed relief from the struggle against depression and despair…but as I sat a little dazed, testing this ‘hope’ out. How far would it go? How long would it last? How fragile was it? It didn’t seem like I’d been handed a mountain, a fixed mark…not a huge lump sum. It was no less real, no less welcomed, no less powerful. So there it was again…the original conundrum…is hope this permanent idea I’m failing to attain, or a fleeting fragility, or something else?

Then the leap…what if hope is like grace? I certainly didn’t earn the hope. I didn’t seek it out. I didn’t deserve it. It was given. It was more than an abundant answer to a question I didn’t even realized I’d asked. Do you ever have those days/weeks/months where it just takes everything you have to survive…that you’ve long since ceased asking for grandiose extras? That is where I was. Head down, surviving. So if hope is more like grace…it will be sufficient…it will be what it needs to be for the time…it then also is a bedrock truth, a constant, infinite. And yes, there are days where what I hope in is solid, unshakable, a proverbial mountain…and even more is the reality that more permeates my daily life: hope can be sufficient for that moment, that day…not meant to be stored up, but used that day. The giver is God. He loves me. I can count on Him. He has goodness in store for me, and He knows my needs, and He knows my dreams. It is enough. Enough…not like my version…where it is just enough to survive, to get by, to eek out…His version is much more. His enough includes grace, hope, and abundance.

Now all that’s left is to trust Him, to receive and rest. And, in the morning His mercies will be new…and there will be manna for the day.


58:11:1—Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

19:42:1-2, 5, 11—Psalms 42:1-2 (because they are my favorites), 5, 11 (because the word hope appears..there's a proximity...a pleading/a reminder & it is repeated)
1-2 As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before my God?

5 Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.

11 Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, the help of His presence.


19:43:5—Psalms
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, the help of His presence.

19:130:7—Psalms
O Israel, hope in the Lord; For with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption

45:5:1-5—Romans
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

51:1:3-5, 22-23, 27—Colossians
3-5 We give thanks to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, praying always for you, since we heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and the love which you have for all the saints; because of the hope laid up for you in heaven, of which you previously heard in the word of truth, the gospel

22-23 yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach-- if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.

27 to whom God willed to make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

47:12:9—2 Corinthians

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

25:3:22-24—Lamenations

The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him."