So I had an interesting conversation on 4/19, I wrote about it with the intention to get online and post it soon.... Anyway, this theme kept coming up in one way or another so while time has passed here are the thoughts I wrote down.
One of the churches I attend has chosen to focus on the simple quandary ‘what if you only had one month to live…’ and I missed today’s lesson. I was talking to someone who attended and it seems the challenge was thrown out to assemble a list of 5 things you would do if you only had one month left and do one of them. My friend asked, so what would your 5 be?
Hmmm…good question. What would my 5 be? There are many things I have hoped for and want in/from life and many things I continue to hope for. But bottom line…if I only had a month left…what would be on that list?
1. Cash in my 401k and pay my debts, set aside money for the funeral and shipping costs for stuff I’d like to go to certain people. Make it easy for the people who have to deal with my body and the disposition of my stuff.
2. Write a letter to my Mom, my brothers, my Dad and a couple of my really special friends and tell them what they meant to me, how much I loved them…and that though they may grieve now, that I want them to know I’m ok, in fact I’m better than ok because I KNOW I’ll be with my Savior, I will have finally shed the brokenness of life and all the hurt that comes from it. I will ask them to really think about this, to examine the peace I am writing from because of my certainty and look within themselves to see if they have it. If they don’t I would urge them to give Jesus a chance, give a relationship with Him a chance….not give ‘religion’ a chance….religion won’t save them, Jesus can. He has saved me. He loves them, He loved me, and it made all the difference in the world when I accepted that love.
3. …..
3. …..
And I then ran out of things to list. A month isn’t that much time. I would not have the time to find the love of my life, marry him, and have a child….so Wife and Mother as dreams and hopes go…is out. While going to England, Italy, Switzerland, Australia and New Zealand would be nice…a month isn’t enough time, and it would create more debt, a debt I’m not sure my 401k could cover in addition to the debt I already have. But it’s ok, if I had to leave this life without seeing these places, places I’ve dreamt about since I first realized the globe and all the blobs on them represented new worlds, new adventures and different places…..I could. I continued to think about it….hence the blog… ;)
What else is left? After further thought, here’s what else I would do:
3. I would empty my closets and dressers of all clothes…minus one week’s worth of outfits.
4. I would empty out the storage unit I have attached to my apartment, dumping all boxes and stuff I save so the next time I move I have less to hunt down.
5. I would get rid of all the memory things/mementos I’ve kept that really only have meaning for me. I would save a couple to pass along with my letters but really the bulk of it is stuff that would not mean anything to anyone…and to the grieving and left behind the bulk of papers that have to be sorted out can sometimes be a heart wrenching burden. So, to the shredder and garbage they would go. (I would make sure I had Kleenex in stock for this venture.)
6. I would donate my books along with my clothes.
7. I would make sure that I left clear instructions behind…donate as many of my organs that are viable out to the people waiting on lists to live. I want to be cremated; ashes can go wherever my loved ones want them to. You can put them in the ocean, drop them from a mountain top on a windy day, you can keep them, or let them go….if you really want you can buy a funeral plot---but I don’t require it, nor would I ask that of others…but I understand that some people need that, so I would defer to that person to decide.
8. I would quit worrying about my weight…how overweight I am, how skinny (or thinner) I want to be.
9. I would quit worrying about the eye sight and the eye docs last foreboding words….and I would not fill the prescription.
10. I would quit worrying about my chest and how little there is of it…and 86 this concept the world foists upon us that says to be beautiful you must be busty, thin, and blonde. It won’t matter in a month, so who cares. I’m beautiful as I am in this moment. Life is a gift, not a bra size.
11. I would quit my job. I like it and all, but if I only have a month left, I would not spend it at work.
12. I would try and figure out what to do about the story I was writing…to write or not to write…
13. I would try and finish the quilt I saw in a book once that really made me want to be a quilter, to make it beautiful…
14. I would try and put fun presents together to send to the people I love. Some of the things would be things I have around the house that remind me of them, others would be things I want them to have….I would buy the things I knew they wanted or needed. But mostly it would be to give them the things I have that I would not need anymore. For example, I have at least 4 quilt’s worth of fabric in a dresser…potential beautiful quilts and I would send them to the person who would most appreciate it. Another example…I have beautiful china that I LOVE…that I enjoy, and cherish…I would send it to the person/persons who would most enjoy it after I was gone. I might keep 2 settings to eat from for the month I have left. I have goblets…and they mean something to me too…I would probably send one to each of the people I love most so they could use it, smile, and think of me. I have a friend who is a writer, and her laptop is dying…I would give her the one I just purchased and the printer too. I would give my car away. I would give as much of my furniture away…I would find a home for the plants that I love that I finally have been able to grow (it may seem like a simple thing, but I’ve really been challenged in the botany arena it would seem such a shame for me to have finally achieved this miraculous skill of keeping two plants alive to have them die too…so I would find a way to get them to my dear friend who is so gifted in this arena, who believed it was possible for me to keep plants and not kill them…I think they would bring her joy, so I would give them to her.)
15. I would assemble all the important docs and stuff and such and have them ready.
16. I would still sing along to the songs I love.
17. I would still take pictures of the beauty of the sunsets and of this world.
18. I would still go to church, read my Bible…thank God, praise Him for this life, and what He has given me, what He means to me.
19. I would still tell people I loved them, call them to ‘chat’, listen to their lives and the challenges they face, encourage them where I could, laugh with them, and if needed cry with them. I would not make it a huge production that I was to die, nor make every conversation consumed by that.
20. I would still hug people. I would face the truth that I wouldn’t have time to hug all the people I would want to before the end, but that these people would know how much I loved them in life, and that would not change. These are the people who’ve made a lie of the adage that ‘long distance relationships don’t work’.
21. I would still put out bird seeds on my apartment patio for the neighborhood birds.
22. I would still dance in the rain…I would pray for a good storm before it was my time and go out and get thoroughly and completely drenched…to enjoy it to the fullest, raise my hands, spin, and laugh.
23. I would get a full set of nails towards the end, and a nice hair cut…
24. I would buy a bouquet of flowers a week; maybe even two full bouquets, fill my apartment with their fragrant beauty, and enjoy them. I would buy my favorites and indulge myself.
25. I would keep my art until the very end because not having art on my walls would drive me crazy. I would make sure I knew if certain people liked certain pieces of mine over the course of the 30 days, mark it down and then on the last day I would send them only this time I would send them the slow way, not 2 day special delivery. (I usually can’t wait longer than 2 days when it comes to giving people presents…I enjoy it too much. This time it would be different.)
26. I still would take walks in nature, to enjoy the glory of God’s creation.
27. I would see if there was a place near-by to go white water rafting one more time. I would get out at the place they generally always stop at to let people jump in, and I would jump in and swim, and laugh, and enjoy the ride. =>(I probably would forget about reapplying the sun-block…because I generally do forget…and would have a slight to moderate sunburn somewhere…so maybe I should do this first =>)
28. I would throw a HUGE party because I would not have to EVER go see another dentist or doctor ever again!!!!! I would cry for the relief of that joy. I would not have to have ICKY medicine or the experience intense fear and pain that is so irrational and that makes me feel so isolated and alone. This is definitely an occasion to break out the china and C-E-L-E-B-R-A-T-E!!!! Doctors are only slightly better than death, and death is slightly better than Dentist visits. :) Hllelujah!!! I would be free and free indeed!
29. I would still dance with air in my apartment…especially since after donating much of my furniture I would have a lot of space. :)
30. I would still dream and pray and laugh and cry, right up to the end. :)
4. I would empty out the storage unit I have attached to my apartment, dumping all boxes and stuff I save so the next time I move I have less to hunt down.
5. I would get rid of all the memory things/mementos I’ve kept that really only have meaning for me. I would save a couple to pass along with my letters but really the bulk of it is stuff that would not mean anything to anyone…and to the grieving and left behind the bulk of papers that have to be sorted out can sometimes be a heart wrenching burden. So, to the shredder and garbage they would go. (I would make sure I had Kleenex in stock for this venture.)
6. I would donate my books along with my clothes.
7. I would make sure that I left clear instructions behind…donate as many of my organs that are viable out to the people waiting on lists to live. I want to be cremated; ashes can go wherever my loved ones want them to. You can put them in the ocean, drop them from a mountain top on a windy day, you can keep them, or let them go….if you really want you can buy a funeral plot---but I don’t require it, nor would I ask that of others…but I understand that some people need that, so I would defer to that person to decide.
8. I would quit worrying about my weight…how overweight I am, how skinny (or thinner) I want to be.
9. I would quit worrying about the eye sight and the eye docs last foreboding words….and I would not fill the prescription.
10. I would quit worrying about my chest and how little there is of it…and 86 this concept the world foists upon us that says to be beautiful you must be busty, thin, and blonde. It won’t matter in a month, so who cares. I’m beautiful as I am in this moment. Life is a gift, not a bra size.
11. I would quit my job. I like it and all, but if I only have a month left, I would not spend it at work.
12. I would try and figure out what to do about the story I was writing…to write or not to write…
13. I would try and finish the quilt I saw in a book once that really made me want to be a quilter, to make it beautiful…
14. I would try and put fun presents together to send to the people I love. Some of the things would be things I have around the house that remind me of them, others would be things I want them to have….I would buy the things I knew they wanted or needed. But mostly it would be to give them the things I have that I would not need anymore. For example, I have at least 4 quilt’s worth of fabric in a dresser…potential beautiful quilts and I would send them to the person who would most appreciate it. Another example…I have beautiful china that I LOVE…that I enjoy, and cherish…I would send it to the person/persons who would most enjoy it after I was gone. I might keep 2 settings to eat from for the month I have left. I have goblets…and they mean something to me too…I would probably send one to each of the people I love most so they could use it, smile, and think of me. I have a friend who is a writer, and her laptop is dying…I would give her the one I just purchased and the printer too. I would give my car away. I would give as much of my furniture away…I would find a home for the plants that I love that I finally have been able to grow (it may seem like a simple thing, but I’ve really been challenged in the botany arena it would seem such a shame for me to have finally achieved this miraculous skill of keeping two plants alive to have them die too…so I would find a way to get them to my dear friend who is so gifted in this arena, who believed it was possible for me to keep plants and not kill them…I think they would bring her joy, so I would give them to her.)
15. I would assemble all the important docs and stuff and such and have them ready.
16. I would still sing along to the songs I love.
17. I would still take pictures of the beauty of the sunsets and of this world.
18. I would still go to church, read my Bible…thank God, praise Him for this life, and what He has given me, what He means to me.
19. I would still tell people I loved them, call them to ‘chat’, listen to their lives and the challenges they face, encourage them where I could, laugh with them, and if needed cry with them. I would not make it a huge production that I was to die, nor make every conversation consumed by that.
20. I would still hug people. I would face the truth that I wouldn’t have time to hug all the people I would want to before the end, but that these people would know how much I loved them in life, and that would not change. These are the people who’ve made a lie of the adage that ‘long distance relationships don’t work’.
21. I would still put out bird seeds on my apartment patio for the neighborhood birds.
22. I would still dance in the rain…I would pray for a good storm before it was my time and go out and get thoroughly and completely drenched…to enjoy it to the fullest, raise my hands, spin, and laugh.
23. I would get a full set of nails towards the end, and a nice hair cut…
24. I would buy a bouquet of flowers a week; maybe even two full bouquets, fill my apartment with their fragrant beauty, and enjoy them. I would buy my favorites and indulge myself.
25. I would keep my art until the very end because not having art on my walls would drive me crazy. I would make sure I knew if certain people liked certain pieces of mine over the course of the 30 days, mark it down and then on the last day I would send them only this time I would send them the slow way, not 2 day special delivery. (I usually can’t wait longer than 2 days when it comes to giving people presents…I enjoy it too much. This time it would be different.)
26. I still would take walks in nature, to enjoy the glory of God’s creation.
27. I would see if there was a place near-by to go white water rafting one more time. I would get out at the place they generally always stop at to let people jump in, and I would jump in and swim, and laugh, and enjoy the ride. =>(I probably would forget about reapplying the sun-block…because I generally do forget…and would have a slight to moderate sunburn somewhere…so maybe I should do this first =>)
28. I would throw a HUGE party because I would not have to EVER go see another dentist or doctor ever again!!!!! I would cry for the relief of that joy. I would not have to have ICKY medicine or the experience intense fear and pain that is so irrational and that makes me feel so isolated and alone. This is definitely an occasion to break out the china and C-E-L-E-B-R-A-T-E!!!! Doctors are only slightly better than death, and death is slightly better than Dentist visits. :) Hllelujah!!! I would be free and free indeed!
29. I would still dance with air in my apartment…especially since after donating much of my furniture I would have a lot of space. :)
30. I would still dream and pray and laugh and cry, right up to the end. :)
But after all this heavy thinking I realized one thing, none of us know how much time we have and that my Mom is right, "every day is special". Then I ordered a pizza.
